23 - Any one there?

...hello?

22 - The Mystical Tale of Dominicus

This is a fictional re-telling of my trip to the Dominican Republic. Click here and here for the un-exaggerated story.



Our magical journey begins in the ancient medieval times of a distant land called Canadia. Among its inhabitants reside three mighty warriors...

Corrithan the mystical voodoo elf, who uses her signature "Jockey" move to take down her enemies. Tizzanner the inventor, who uses advanced technology and sabers of light to maim and mutilate foes. And Jizzoel, the alcoholic, who thrives from the power of booze to be the funniest warrior and tell lots of jokes.

On one glorious day, after killing millions of monsters and orphans, Tizzanner the inventor proposed that the three warriors travel to the ancient forgotten land of Dominicus. Jizzoel thought that it be to dangerous and costly to make such an expedition, but after borrowing some money from his parents he said "Okay, sure." So after many hours of climbing, swimming, running, and waiting at the airport, the treacherous trio arrived at the shore of the beastly island.

Our heroes knew what kind of treasures lay hidden on this island, and they made it their quest to pillage and collect all valuables to take back home. Among the treasures was The Forbidden Fountain of Fruity Drinks. The fountain was said to be filled to the brim with fruity drinks such as piña colada, tequila sunrise, and just plain normal water. The fountain, it turned out, was not so forbidden. In fact, it was clearly marked on a map. So, without haste, our adventurers travelled to the center of Dominicus to indulge on the powerful fruity drinks.

It didn't take long for our heroes to become intoxicated in the delicious drinks... but there was trouble in store for Jizzoel, for he had drank poison water. The toxin had quickly taken its effect, and Jizzoel was dramatically weakened. It then dawned on Corrithan and Tizzanner that they must seek out a magical wizard to cure Jizzoel of his sickness. From the fountain, they travelled east into unknown land. While crossing a river, a kind Troll by the name of Chade (chode) had appeared.

"I had overheard your troubles, and understand that you seek a wizard?" He said.
"Yes, that is correct Troll. Do you know of any wizard that can cure our friend?" Asked Corrithan.
"Aye, I know of someone. Follow me." And with that, our party of three became four.

Chade the Troll led the adventurers to a lonesome cave hidden in the mountains. Tizzaner was unsure to trust Chade. To him, this didn't look like a place for a wizard. But once inside, a fascinating glow emitted from the darkness, and a wizard appeared before them.

"Greetings, strangers." He called out. "I am the Dirty Wizard!"
"Pleased to meet you, Dirty Wizard." The warriors bowed before his presence. "We have come to you to find a cure for our friend Jizzoel. He drank poison water."
"Are you stupid? Why the fuck would you drink the water here?"
"I was thirsty." Mumbled Jizzoel.
"Well I can't help you in my current situation, I'm afraid." Said the wizard. "You see... my belongings are unsafe, because my safe has a broken lock. I would need dildoes of at least fifteen to evade any possible intruders. However, there is one way to cure your friends illness."

The Dirty Wizard revealed to Jizzoel the secret to curing his poison. His instructions were simple; consume massive amounts of alcohol, and slay a dragon. So Jizzoel, Tizzanner, and Corrithan teamed up with their new allies to accomplish this task. Whilst drinking, our heroes met with mutual friends of the Wizard; Taylore and Garot, two mighty barbarians with hairy chests and high levels of manliness. Through conversation, they were revealed to be inhabitants of the sacred land known only as Cochrane (pronounced "Cock Rain"), where everyone who lives there is a god among gods. And with that fact, the Cochrane heroes bestowed Jizzoel with the power of unlimited courage and alcohol tolerance.

Feeling strong enough, Jizzoel left to slay a dragon or two. Before he could get away though, Tizzaner gave him the ultimate gift. It was a latex sheath, used for protecting his sword. It was also blueberry flavoured. And with that, Jizzoel travelled to the north of the island to a place known as the "Kareokus Baricus", a place infested with dragons. Without hesitation, Jizzoel drew his sword and challenged the nearest dragon to a battle. The dragon eagerly accepted his challenge, and the two of them left for a bit of privacy so they could "fight".

It's common knowledge that dragons prefer to eat virgin warriors. So to throw off the dragons judgement, Jizzoel lied about his virginity and thrusted his mighty, throbbing sword into the dragons vagi- I mean -heart. To celebrate, Jizzoel, Tizzaner, Chade, and the Dirty Wizard completely obliterated the island of Dominicus in a drunken rage on their final night together. Jizzoel was pretty much instantly cured and the adventurers, in addition to the Cochrane folk, travelled back to the mainland of Canadia to celebrate further with their new found treasures and experiences. Jizzoel and Tizzaner then ventured to Cochrane one day and gained godly powers like the Dirty Wizard and the rest of them. Shit was so cash.

Sexually Suggestive Murder! YAAYYY!!

21 - Dick Trumpet

For those of you who care or noticed, I'm sorry it's been so long since I made a post. I literally had nothing interesting to say.

Time for more party stories!

Tanner and I brought our friend Erik to Calgary to party with our Cochrane friends on Saturday. We had no trouble finding the house, but I was worried that it was the wrong house when a girl that I didn't know answered the door.

"Uhh... is Garrett here?"
"Taylor's friend?"
"Y-yeah."
"They're downstairs."

It wasn't long 'till everyone had shown up and we were playing a drinking game called "horse race" or something like that. The game basically involves the four ace cards racing each other by moving forward for every card drawn that matches its suit. I had the pleasure of naming one of the cards "Dick Trumpet." And for the record, Dick Trumpet won both games!

Sadly, I don't remember much from that night, except going into the washroom and puking all over the place. I threw up over the side of the toilet and onto the floor a bit. I vaguely remember using the toilet paper to clean up the mess. I don't remember if I cleaned it all though. I do remember accidentally putting my knee in it, which was pretty gross. As I left the washroom, I noticed that I got quite a bit of vomit on my shirt. I ran to where everyone else was, and briefly announced what I did. From then on, I don't remember shit.

I woke up at 9:30 on a couch with my shirt off, and my glasses missing. After putting on my shirt, I noticed that the puke on the front of it looked a bit like dirt. I walked around the house, searching the washrooms and tables for my glasses, but couldn't find them. I was a bit worried, but I went back to the couch to sleep. I found the glasses right beside the couch. I must have puked on my glasses too, because they were extremely dirty and smudgy.

Nothing else really happened, except I remember having coffee with the girl who answered the door from earlier, and I recall telling her the stories of my missing poo and the Dominican. Jared had slept in his car while smoking that night, and Corey was sleeping under the table for at least an hour while we were drinking. And I went home with puke on my glasses, shirt, and knees. Good times.

20 - My Big Gay Birthday Adventure

I turned 18 on the 11th! I'm only writing about it now because I've been in a post-drunk haze for awhile and completely forgot to blog about it. Prepare for a long post.

I had originally planned to go to a pub called Dick's to celebrate, but because of Canadian Thanksgiving, my plans got butt-fucked. The thing is, since it was the day before my actual birthday, I planned to go to the bar at midnight so that I would technically be 18. I didn't want to do it on the night of my birthday, because the long weekend would have been over by then, and I didn't want to exclude people who had jobs or school to go to.

So on Sunday (the 10th), I had my mind set on going to Dicks... until someone reminded me that it was Thanksgiving weekend. I called the pub, and found out they closed at 6:00pm because of this. Well, shit. So I casually asked my mom if I could throw a party at the house, and she seemed okay with it. So that problem was easily solved.

I just kind of sat on the couch watching T.V. with a few of my friends until the other half of the people showed up. These people were from Cochrane, who I originally met in the Dominican Republic back in July. I nearly ripped my pants from the erection I got from how excited I was that they showed up. We basically just loaded up on alcohol and played sociables for awhile. A couple of my friends had left by the time the rest of us decided it would be a good idea to walk over to McDonald's for some food.

The nearest McDonald's was only about a 10 minute walk away. As we walked by my old middle school, we found a group of kids hanging around. After chatting it up with the youngsters, we continued our journey for greasy edibles. We walked about 30 seconds before finding another pack of kids lurking around at night.

There were two girls and some guy, who quickly left to go home, leaving the girls at our disposal (That sounds a bit perverse, but really.. there were like seven drunk guys. What do you expect?). Likewise, we started talking to them. It wasn't so much all of us talking to them, but more the guys from Cochrane. So these two girls that we just met decided to tag along as we went to McDonald's. What would normally be a 10 minute walk, turned into... probably 20 minutes.

Since we obviously didn't drive there, we had a genius fucking idea to create our own "Invisible Van". So we stood behind one of the cars lined up in the drive-thru, and arranged ourselves into a similar seating arrangement to that of a van. Without a doubt, we fooled everybody.

A couple cars pulled up behind us, but we generously let them by, since the lady at the window refused to serve us, because we had a transparent method of transportation and she just couldn't fathom the possibility. While "parked" behind another car, my friend Jared started running around the other cars in line, dancing. He would repeatedly throw his hand in the air, pointing in every direction, and say "Yeaahh!" casually. I think this went on until the cops showed up. The police cruiser pulled up behind us and started flashing its lights.

"Oh shit. Guys. Don't move. We're in an invisible van. Stay where you are."

"You, in the grey hoodie!" The cop called out.

Jared was put in the back of the cop car. I think we agreed that the invisible van idea wasn't working, so we quickly dispersed and started to walk away as the cop was talking to Jared. As we went around the corner, 2 more cops cars were just pulling in. I was pretty fucking scared, until I remembered I was 18 and wasn't doing anything illegal... I think. But I was worried that Jared would be arrested... He lived in a completely different city too, so I knew it wouldn't end too well. It wasn't long 'till he was let out, and he explained what happened.

There was a taxi in the drive-thru as Jared was dancing, and the driver had called the cops saying that he was jumping on his car and swearing. Stupid shit like that. The Chief of Police, or whoever the fuck it was, thought "THIS IS A JOB FOR THREE POLICE CARS!" and sent them to arrest Jared. But as Jared was being put in the back of the car, he still had an opened beer in his pocket. It spilled all over the side of his pants. He could hear the cop confirming with the taxi driver on Jared's identity. This is where Jared heard him describe what he claimed Jared was doing, which was completely false.

Jared 2.0

So in short, we walked in the rain for 20 minutes for nothing. And we had to walk back to my house, to top it off. I remember going to bed pretty quick once we got home. I woke up just before noon, and most of the guys were awake watching "The Hangover". Kind of convenient, now that I think about it. My mom prepared a huge feast filled with pizza and other munchies while we watched the movie. Once we were all awake, we just sat down and played with Lego for about 2 hours.

18 - Concerts

I love music, so it would only make sense that I love concerts too! Sadly, concerts have their disadvantages.


My first concert was a few years ago: John Mayer. Yeah... My mom had an extra ticket, and I was in the musical phase of forcing myself to enjoy what was on the radio. Being my first concert, I didn't question why everyone was sitting down in chairs. Like literally, there were chairs everywhere. Nobody could really stand up without blocking the view of the person behind them. There really isn't much else to say about that, other than it sucked.
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I think my second concert was Les Claypool last summer. If you don't know, Les is the bassist of the band Primus. And if you don't know who Primus is, I just suggest searching them up. They're worth listening to. Nothing extraordinary happened at Claypool, but it was a good show nonetheless.
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Next was Dream Theater, just a few months after Les Claypool. My neighbour invited my friend and I to go, since his friends had a change of plans. I had honestly never listened to Dream Theater before, but I bought one of their albums the day after the concert because they were so good.
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Next up, in October, were Slipknot and the Deftones. I only came to see the Deftones, to be honest. It sucked too, cause I had actual seats, rather than on the floor in front of the stage... so my view of them wasn't the best. Either way, I kinda lost interest when Slipknot came on.

My friend caught a broken drum stick from the Deftone's drummer Abe Cunningham, and gave it to me. I jizzed.
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Then in June my friend and I went to see Dream Theater and Iron Maiden! It was nice to see DT again, especially because they played all their famous songs. Plus, I had a good view several feet from the stage. While Iron Maiden was getting set up, some moron from way behind me threw back one of Mike Portnoy's drum sticks and hit me in the head. Some fat juggalo chick beside me took the stick, which probably had my blood on it... or at least a huge dent.

I kind of regret standing so close to the stage, because this was the first mosh pit I've been to. Standing next to all these weird fuckers was bad enough, but now I was being pushed around by them. Needless to say, I couldn't really cheer at Iron Maiden, because I was getting butt-raped by every Metalhead in the province.
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I would've went to see Tool in July, but I was in the Dominican Republic getting drunk/laid/diarrhea.
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And my most recent concert was Primus, just last Tuesday. There was quite a bit of pushing in the crowd, but nothing to compare with Iron Maiden. While I was in line to buy a t-shirt, I noticed a greasy looking guy sitting off to the side of the table. He looked extremely fucking depressed. He looked like he was helping with the t-shirt sales, except he wasn't helping at all. Just sitting there looking all sad and angry. I joked with my friend, "He's probably mad because no one's buying shirts for his band."




Depressed greasy guy. Kinda looked like this.


The first opening band for Primus came on. They were some Kansas redneck band that basically played Speed Metal with banjos. The bass player had a gas can with a long stick attached to it, and a rubber band stretched across to form a single string. My friend and I laughed and shat bricks. Guess who was playing the bass?...




...


...


...

17 - "Double party, all the way! Ohh, it's full on! It's starting to look like a triple party!"

I never really talked to anyone about it, but I was entered into the Calgary International Film Festival. No, it wasn't a big deal or anything. There was this thing called the Youth by Youth Cinema Competition - or YYCC for short. The purpose of the YYCC was to show the talented works of the young aspiring directors of the world.. or some stupid shit like that. Basically, my former Media Arts teacher sent in one of my animations to the YYCC, and I was put in the competition. The whole thing was overblown, in my opinion.

There was a pre-screening party before the screening and judging took place (Party Count: 1). Here, I had a chance to meet some of the other directors. I think I talked to one other guy while I was there. And literally 10 seconds after I first walk in, this happens -

Click to enlarge

Apparently Chris was one of the other directors in the competition. How the fuck would I know who Chris is, and why would this crazy woman be so snobby about it? Jeeze.

There was a mini-fridge with free Red Bulls, so that was pretty cool. Eventually, we had to go into some stupid limo that would drive us to the Cinema where we would watch all of the YYCC entries. There was a fucking red carpet for us. God damn it, it was stupid. I felt like a retard. Speaking of which, there was some chubby Asian guy interviewing some of the directors. I swear to you, he was mentally handicapped. I overheard him asking the others some questions,

"What are your names, and what movie did you make?"
"What is your movie about?"
"What did you have for breakfast?"

I burst out laughing when he asked that last question.





Here's Officer Doofy interviewing me and my friend, Nick

 
I didn't win anything from the competition, unfortunately. I do, however, have free admission to see some of the movies at the festival... including Fubar 2, which premiers tonight. Sadly, I don't have a ride there, and from what I know, it's already sold out. I suppose I'll wait until it's theatrical release, October 1st.

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Later in the day, I hung out with my friend Tanner before we left to go to a party. After hours waiting for a call from our "friend" Bryce, we decided that we shouldn't go to this party. From what Tanner knew, we weren't officially invited to this party anyways. Although, he knew of another party going on that was literally a 30 second drive away (Party Count: 2). Most of the people at this rebound party were younger than me, so I felt a bit awkward. Either way, I devoured about 8 beers while we were there, and we even beat the game Portal.

The girl who was hosting this party had a camp fire going on in the backyard. Rather than explain what happened, here's another comic.

So after playing her x-box for the entire party, Tanner and I decided to go to the party we originally planned on going to. So he drove his dad's van for 30 seconds to the other house. He wasn't drinking that night, and I was just about hammered. While I made my way to the house, I hear him behind me,

"Damn it! I locked the keys in the van!"

I was surprised that he managed to do that while sober. I followed him back to the other party to steal a coat hanger. And... yeah, he tried to pick the lock of the van with a fucking coat hanger. After that didn't work, we went to the other, other party (Party Count: 3). I really don't remember much once I entered the house, except for someone breaking a ton of glass vases or something. I also felt just as awkward, if not more, awkward than I did at the previous party.

16 - Relationships

It's been a week since I blogged, but I'm starting to think of making this a weekly habit. I might make a few each week depending on what goes on in my life, but we'll see.


I would be lying if I said I was a "ladies man." In fact, I'm quite the opposite. I've had very few girlfriends, and that would only be counting the one's I've had during high school. I hardly consider the ones from middle school as "girlfriends" especially when taking into account that the most action I got from them were hugs.

Additionally, my first kiss was a little over a year ago. Yeah, I know. Fucking pathetic. It was actually pretty funny. Being my first time, I thought I had to be fancy and shit, so I tried like using my tongue in weird ways. This was a bad idea, because after about five seconds, she stopped.

I was like,

And she was all,

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Although I didn't have much experience with girls, I was kind of irritated with trying to find someone new to be with.

That's when I met Mario.

No, her name wasn't actually Mario.

I'm going to call her Mario though, because they both had something in common...

MOUSTACHE.

Yes, I hooked up with a girl that had a moustache. Before you gag or vomit, let me explain. I was invited to a Valentines Day party by one of my former co-workers. It was being held at someones house that I didn't know. She told me who was hosting the party, and searched her up on Facebook like the creep that I am. I just wanted to get an idea of who I'd be partying with. My first thought when I saw her profile was "Oh my fucking god... that moustache is disgusting." As most people would feel, I was significantly less excited for this party.

But after some time, I got to thinking... "This girl kind of seems slutty. I could easily get with her, considering she probably has very few friends and no one likes her." So at the party, I was acquainted with Mario the Moustached Woman. And as a expected, she was obviously interested in me (which is no surprise since I'm practically made up of manliness and penis). The next day, we started texting each other and it eventually led to us hanging out pretty much everyday.

I had the whole week off from school, so I had a lot of free time to chill with Mario as we played Mario Kart on the Wii. But let me tell you, it was painful. Unless you're a girl, I don't think you realise what it's like to kiss someone with a moustache. It's very uncomfortable. To top it off, she probably never brushed her teeth, and she gave me major blue balls. Yeah we never really went at it or anything. As much as I hated kissing her or even looking at the space between her mouth and her nose, I had a feeling deep down that I could get some good action from this chick. It never happened.

What did happen, was she became extremely clingy. As I'm still sleeping, she would be texting me. I would wake up at noon-ish to find about 5 texts from her.

"Hey <3"
"Hey"
"Are you awake?"
":("
"Text meee"
SHUT UP, GOD DAMNIT

I quickly realised that this needed to end. I couldn't finish reading my stupid book for English class because she was texting me every fifteen fucking minutes. In fact, the book I was reading was called "The Stranger." It's about some guy who is existentialist. That basically means he has no remorse for anything and doesn't care about what happens in the world around him. I somehow began thinking like him, and didn't care about what happened to Mario. So I broke up with her over web cam. It was hilarious. I'll admit I felt bad watching her cry, but I couldn't help but laugh at the situation: I broke up with Mario because of this book I was reading. As we're on web cam, I'm hiding my face because I'm on the verge of laughing out loud.

And that pretty much sums up that relationship. I knew the girl for literally one week, and I already broke up with her... all before school started up again.

"Hey dude, how was your week off?"

"HAHAHAHA OH MY GOD I HAVE SOME FUNNY STORIES!"

dicks lol