Our magical journey begins in the ancient medieval times of a distant land called Canadia. Among its inhabitants reside three mighty warriors...
Corrithan the mystical voodoo elf, who uses her signature "Jockey" move to take down her enemies. Tizzanner the inventor, who uses advanced technology and sabers of light to maim and mutilate foes. And Jizzoel, the alcoholic, who thrives from the power of booze to be the funniest warrior and tell lots of jokes.
On one glorious day, after killing millions of monsters and orphans, Tizzanner the inventor proposed that the three warriors travel to the ancient forgotten land of Dominicus. Jizzoel thought that it be to dangerous and costly to make such an expedition, but after borrowing some money from his parents he said "Okay, sure." So after many hours of climbing, swimming, running, and waiting at the airport, the treacherous trio arrived at the shore of the beastly island.
Our heroes knew what kind of treasures lay hidden on this island, and they made it their quest to pillage and collect all valuables to take back home. Among the treasures was The Forbidden Fountain of Fruity Drinks. The fountain was said to be filled to the brim with fruity drinks such as piña colada, tequila sunrise, and just plain normal water. The fountain, it turned out, was not so forbidden. In fact, it was clearly marked on a map. So, without haste, our adventurers travelled to the center of Dominicus to indulge on the powerful fruity drinks.
It didn't take long for our heroes to become intoxicated in the delicious drinks... but there was trouble in store for Jizzoel, for he had drank poison water. The toxin had quickly taken its effect, and Jizzoel was dramatically weakened. It then dawned on Corrithan and Tizzanner that they must seek out a magical wizard to cure Jizzoel of his sickness. From the fountain, they travelled east into unknown land. While crossing a river, a kind Troll by the name of Chade (chode) had appeared.
"I had overheard your troubles, and understand that you seek a wizard?" He said.
"Yes, that is correct Troll. Do you know of any wizard that can cure our friend?" Asked Corrithan.
"Aye, I know of someone. Follow me." And with that, our party of three became four.
Chade the Troll led the adventurers to a lonesome cave hidden in the mountains. Tizzaner was unsure to trust Chade. To him, this didn't look like a place for a wizard. But once inside, a fascinating glow emitted from the darkness, and a wizard appeared before them.
"Greetings, strangers." He called out. "I am the Dirty Wizard!"
"Pleased to meet you, Dirty Wizard." The warriors bowed before his presence. "We have come to you to find a cure for our friend Jizzoel. He drank poison water."
"Are you stupid? Why the fuck would you drink the water here?"
"I was thirsty." Mumbled Jizzoel.
"Well I can't help you in my current situation, I'm afraid." Said the wizard. "You see... my belongings are unsafe, because my safe has a broken lock. I would need dildoes of at least fifteen to evade any possible intruders. However, there is one way to cure your friends illness."
The Dirty Wizard revealed to Jizzoel the secret to curing his poison. His instructions were simple; consume massive amounts of alcohol, and slay a dragon. So Jizzoel, Tizzanner, and Corrithan teamed up with their new allies to accomplish this task. Whilst drinking, our heroes met with mutual friends of the Wizard; Taylore and Garot, two mighty barbarians with hairy chests and high levels of manliness. Through conversation, they were revealed to be inhabitants of the sacred land known only as Cochrane (pronounced "Cock Rain"), where everyone who lives there is a god among gods. And with that fact, the Cochrane heroes bestowed Jizzoel with the power of unlimited courage and alcohol tolerance.
Feeling strong enough, Jizzoel left to slay a dragon or two. Before he could get away though, Tizzaner gave him the ultimate gift. It was a latex sheath, used for protecting his sword. It was also blueberry flavoured. And with that, Jizzoel travelled to the north of the island to a place known as the "Kareokus Baricus", a place infested with dragons. Without hesitation, Jizzoel drew his sword and challenged the nearest dragon to a battle. The dragon eagerly accepted his challenge, and the two of them left for a bit of privacy so they could "fight".
It's common knowledge that dragons prefer to eat virgin warriors. So to throw off the dragons judgement, Jizzoel lied about his virginity and thrusted his mighty, throbbing sword into the dragons vagi- I mean -heart. To celebrate, Jizzoel, Tizzaner, Chade, and the Dirty Wizard completely obliterated the island of Dominicus in a drunken rage on their final night together. Jizzoel was pretty much instantly cured and the adventurers, in addition to the Cochrane folk, travelled back to the mainland of Canadia to celebrate further with their new found treasures and experiences. Jizzoel and Tizzaner then ventured to Cochrane one day and gained godly powers like the Dirty Wizard and the rest of them. Shit was so cash.
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| Sexually Suggestive Murder! YAAYYY!! |
