17 - "Double party, all the way! Ohh, it's full on! It's starting to look like a triple party!"

I never really talked to anyone about it, but I was entered into the Calgary International Film Festival. No, it wasn't a big deal or anything. There was this thing called the Youth by Youth Cinema Competition - or YYCC for short. The purpose of the YYCC was to show the talented works of the young aspiring directors of the world.. or some stupid shit like that. Basically, my former Media Arts teacher sent in one of my animations to the YYCC, and I was put in the competition. The whole thing was overblown, in my opinion.

There was a pre-screening party before the screening and judging took place (Party Count: 1). Here, I had a chance to meet some of the other directors. I think I talked to one other guy while I was there. And literally 10 seconds after I first walk in, this happens -

Click to enlarge

Apparently Chris was one of the other directors in the competition. How the fuck would I know who Chris is, and why would this crazy woman be so snobby about it? Jeeze.

There was a mini-fridge with free Red Bulls, so that was pretty cool. Eventually, we had to go into some stupid limo that would drive us to the Cinema where we would watch all of the YYCC entries. There was a fucking red carpet for us. God damn it, it was stupid. I felt like a retard. Speaking of which, there was some chubby Asian guy interviewing some of the directors. I swear to you, he was mentally handicapped. I overheard him asking the others some questions,

"What are your names, and what movie did you make?"
"What is your movie about?"
"What did you have for breakfast?"

I burst out laughing when he asked that last question.





Here's Officer Doofy interviewing me and my friend, Nick

 
I didn't win anything from the competition, unfortunately. I do, however, have free admission to see some of the movies at the festival... including Fubar 2, which premiers tonight. Sadly, I don't have a ride there, and from what I know, it's already sold out. I suppose I'll wait until it's theatrical release, October 1st.

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Later in the day, I hung out with my friend Tanner before we left to go to a party. After hours waiting for a call from our "friend" Bryce, we decided that we shouldn't go to this party. From what Tanner knew, we weren't officially invited to this party anyways. Although, he knew of another party going on that was literally a 30 second drive away (Party Count: 2). Most of the people at this rebound party were younger than me, so I felt a bit awkward. Either way, I devoured about 8 beers while we were there, and we even beat the game Portal.

The girl who was hosting this party had a camp fire going on in the backyard. Rather than explain what happened, here's another comic.

So after playing her x-box for the entire party, Tanner and I decided to go to the party we originally planned on going to. So he drove his dad's van for 30 seconds to the other house. He wasn't drinking that night, and I was just about hammered. While I made my way to the house, I hear him behind me,

"Damn it! I locked the keys in the van!"

I was surprised that he managed to do that while sober. I followed him back to the other party to steal a coat hanger. And... yeah, he tried to pick the lock of the van with a fucking coat hanger. After that didn't work, we went to the other, other party (Party Count: 3). I really don't remember much once I entered the house, except for someone breaking a ton of glass vases or something. I also felt just as awkward, if not more, awkward than I did at the previous party.

16 - Relationships

It's been a week since I blogged, but I'm starting to think of making this a weekly habit. I might make a few each week depending on what goes on in my life, but we'll see.


I would be lying if I said I was a "ladies man." In fact, I'm quite the opposite. I've had very few girlfriends, and that would only be counting the one's I've had during high school. I hardly consider the ones from middle school as "girlfriends" especially when taking into account that the most action I got from them were hugs.

Additionally, my first kiss was a little over a year ago. Yeah, I know. Fucking pathetic. It was actually pretty funny. Being my first time, I thought I had to be fancy and shit, so I tried like using my tongue in weird ways. This was a bad idea, because after about five seconds, she stopped.

I was like,

And she was all,

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Although I didn't have much experience with girls, I was kind of irritated with trying to find someone new to be with.

That's when I met Mario.

No, her name wasn't actually Mario.

I'm going to call her Mario though, because they both had something in common...

MOUSTACHE.

Yes, I hooked up with a girl that had a moustache. Before you gag or vomit, let me explain. I was invited to a Valentines Day party by one of my former co-workers. It was being held at someones house that I didn't know. She told me who was hosting the party, and searched her up on Facebook like the creep that I am. I just wanted to get an idea of who I'd be partying with. My first thought when I saw her profile was "Oh my fucking god... that moustache is disgusting." As most people would feel, I was significantly less excited for this party.

But after some time, I got to thinking... "This girl kind of seems slutty. I could easily get with her, considering she probably has very few friends and no one likes her." So at the party, I was acquainted with Mario the Moustached Woman. And as a expected, she was obviously interested in me (which is no surprise since I'm practically made up of manliness and penis). The next day, we started texting each other and it eventually led to us hanging out pretty much everyday.

I had the whole week off from school, so I had a lot of free time to chill with Mario as we played Mario Kart on the Wii. But let me tell you, it was painful. Unless you're a girl, I don't think you realise what it's like to kiss someone with a moustache. It's very uncomfortable. To top it off, she probably never brushed her teeth, and she gave me major blue balls. Yeah we never really went at it or anything. As much as I hated kissing her or even looking at the space between her mouth and her nose, I had a feeling deep down that I could get some good action from this chick. It never happened.

What did happen, was she became extremely clingy. As I'm still sleeping, she would be texting me. I would wake up at noon-ish to find about 5 texts from her.

"Hey <3"
"Hey"
"Are you awake?"
":("
"Text meee"
SHUT UP, GOD DAMNIT

I quickly realised that this needed to end. I couldn't finish reading my stupid book for English class because she was texting me every fifteen fucking minutes. In fact, the book I was reading was called "The Stranger." It's about some guy who is existentialist. That basically means he has no remorse for anything and doesn't care about what happens in the world around him. I somehow began thinking like him, and didn't care about what happened to Mario. So I broke up with her over web cam. It was hilarious. I'll admit I felt bad watching her cry, but I couldn't help but laugh at the situation: I broke up with Mario because of this book I was reading. As we're on web cam, I'm hiding my face because I'm on the verge of laughing out loud.

And that pretty much sums up that relationship. I knew the girl for literally one week, and I already broke up with her... all before school started up again.

"Hey dude, how was your week off?"

"HAHAHAHA OH MY GOD I HAVE SOME FUNNY STORIES!"

dicks lol

15 - Childhood

I'm still sick. I keep coughing up huge globs of phlegm and I sometimes puke just by looking at it ooze its way down the drain. ANYWAY, I'm gonna talk a bit about me as a kid.

One of my earliest memories was when I first started my hobby of drawing. I must have been about 4 years old when this happened. I was just sitting at the kitchen table, doodling random shit like I always have my entire life, when I decided to draw something a bit more realistic. I decided to do a self portrait of... well, myself! I guess I lost interest in drawing dinosaurs and monsters pretty quick. About half way through my masterpiece, my older sister came by to see what I was drawing. So I showed her. It kinda looked something like this...

I swear it's the first picture I remember drawing, ever. I think I got in trouble for it.

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When I was young, I was easily persuaded into believing what was cool, and what wasn't. Back then, Captain Underpants was the shit. Looking back now, it's kind of a ridiculous comic series... but if anyone got a hold of a Captain Underpants book, they were worshipped. Luckily, my older brother was leet enough to have some lying around at home, so I thought it'd read it one day. Actually, I never read comics. I just looked at the pictures. I happened to have a sucker in my hand at the time. So I was reading Captain Underpants while eating this sucker (I think it was grape flavoured). After some time, I accidentally sucked the sucker right off of its stick [insert gay joke here]. I kind of shrugged it off. It wasn't a big deal, right? I mean, who needs the stick anyway? So I keep eating the sucker, which is more of a sphere of hard candy now, while reading Captain Underpants. Suddenly, I unintentionally let the candy slide down my throat. It was stuck there.

"What the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fu-"

That about sums up what was going through my head at the time. I tried swallowing the sucker, but it only got lodged in deeper. I was panicking like a mother fucker. I probably sounded like one of the Martians from Mars Attacks. I bolted upstairs into the kitchen where my mom was cooking dinner. Due to my inability to speak, I just pointed at my throat. My mom quickly gave me the Heimlich maneuver and I spat up the slimy piece of candy into my hand. I thought about putting it back into my mouth so I wouldn't waste such a delicious treat, but I didn't want a repeat of what just happened. I threw it in the garbage and went back downstairs to my room. I considered continuing the Captain Underpants book, but it was stained with purple-ish, grape flavoured saliva. My brother wasn't too happy about me choking and gagging all over his comic book.



In other news, I bought tickets online to see Primus live in concert on September 28th. I am beyond excited.

10 - Facial Hair

Ever since I discovered I could grow facial hair, I've been trying to grow every type of facial hair design. So far, I've only managed to be good at chin straps and dirty goatees. But I have vowed to grow a full crazy goatee like Tony Stark from Iron Man before I die. And if I die before that happens, then I promise to continue growing it in Purgatory.

In my mind, facial hair + penis = manliness

Since I'm at least decent at growing one of those things, it's time to work on the other. So that's why I need good facial hair. Like most guys, it all starts with a greasy, pussy little moustache. (lol greasy pussy)

Then maybe some good sideburns.

And if you're lucky, you'll get a little chin hair action. I feel like I'm almost an expert at this. I even vowed with my friend Paige that I would continue growing my chin hair until I can braid it.

Infact, it just looks like you're growing a bunch of pubes on your face. People may wonder if you have extra genetalia somewhere under your hair, or hidden in your mouth, due to the massive amounts of pubes you will soon recieve if trying to grow facial hair for the first time.

And you'd think that by combining all of these, it would equal a full beard... but it doesn't...

Hopefully I'm not the only one that suffers this, but there are parts on my face that won't grow hair. For example, my moustache is never a full moustache. It does, however, tend to grow like a fucking Hitler-stache, meaning it's good at growing just in the middle. This is convenient as I am part German. But nonetheless, I can't grow a full moustache at the moment.

Also, there are bald patches that would be used to connect the hair from my moustache to the hair on my chin. But sadly, those parts of my face seem to have gone through chemotherapy and are hairless. Therefore, I cannot grow a full goatee at the moment. I am only seventeen, so I guess I'm overblowing this whole thing... but GOD DAMNIT I WANT KICKASS FACIAL HAIR.

When shaving, your face appears to be silky smooth. But usually by the next couple of days, it feels like a bunch of nails. It gets pretty rough and prickly. After some time, it will have grow to a length long enough to collect grease. Now your facial hair feels greasy. Good job. With this in mind, one must be careful when shaving pubes or ass hair. It will be very painful. You'd be better off having a porcupine live in your underwear for a week. When tending to your porcupine, the only good excuse is that you're "feeding your penis." Watch the ladies come running.

I totally failed at drawing this kids' face...

8 - Last Night

To start, I'll just mention that I've been up since 5 AM. It is now 4:30 PM... This is retarded.

Yesterday I was just sitting at home, watching porn and stuff. Y'know, the usual business. Then my friend Corrie calls me to hang out before we head over to a party at our friend Cody's place. So I'm all like,

" k "

So Corrie and I pretty much sat around outside talking about gross AIDS-ridden girls for 20 minutes. The party was kinda lame for awhile, but eventually had a couple dozen people at the house, at least. After only two hours Corrie had effectively passed out from drinking, which is hilarious. My buddy Mitch showed up after awhile, which gave me a boner... or at least a chubby. I can't remember. Either way, I was excited to see Mitch, despite the fact that I saw him at the exact same house about a week ago.

I met a few new people there, which was nice, and I left at around 2:00. I was a bit worried about how late it was, because lately I've been trying to sleep like a normal person. My plan went way the fuck off course.

I fell asleep pretty quick, and woke up a couple times for some water and shit. But at approximately 5:00 AM, I decided that instead of constant trips to the bathroom for water, I'd get a bottled water from the fridge. The bottled water was significantly colder and made me feel like shitting my pants for some reason, so that kind of kept me up for awhile. I started to get annoyed by a strange high-pitched ringing coming from my computer. This ringing has literally been going on for months and I just ignored it or tried tuning it out until now. It turns out my broken printer was still plugged in and was making this butt-fuck annoying sound for months. Once I fixed that issue, I got a text from my phone, which woke me up again. And after that, I got a call from a still-drunk Corrie asking what the fuck happened.

"You passed out. Alright, see ya." That's all I remember from that phone call.

It had been an hour after the call, and I was still awake. It was six-fucking-thirty in the morning. I played some games on my iPod before I tried sleeping again at 7. It didn't fucking work. My room was either too hot, which forced me to turn on the fan, or it was too cold, which made me turn off the fan. Plus, my cat's an annoying bastard and wouldn't stop meowing in my god damn ear. I got another call from Corrie at 8:30 asking again what happened last night.

"You passed out. Alright see ya."

I was scared that I was gonna shit in my bed too. Drinking does some weird stuff to my bowels, cause I was farting so much this morning. It was so weird. I only remember key events this morning, but there must've been at least two hours of me just laying in bed like a vegetable staring at the sunrise. It was pretty cool to see the sun come up though.

"Is this real life?"