I would be lying if I said I was a "ladies man." In fact, I'm quite the opposite. I've had very few girlfriends, and that would only be counting the one's I've had during high school. I hardly consider the ones from middle school as "girlfriends" especially when taking into account that the most action I got from them were hugs.
Additionally, my first kiss was a little over a year ago. Yeah, I know. Fucking pathetic. It was actually pretty funny. Being my first time, I thought I had to be fancy and shit, so I tried like using my tongue in weird ways. This was a bad idea, because after about five seconds, she stopped.
I was like,
And she was all,
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Although I didn't have much experience with girls, I was kind of irritated with trying to find someone new to be with.
That's when I met Mario.
No, her name wasn't actually Mario.
I'm going to call her Mario though, because they both had something in common...
MOUSTACHE.
Yes, I hooked up with a girl that had a moustache. Before you gag or vomit, let me explain. I was invited to a Valentines Day party by one of my former co-workers. It was being held at someones house that I didn't know. She told me who was hosting the party, and searched her up on Facebook like the creep that I am. I just wanted to get an idea of who I'd be partying with. My first thought when I saw her profile was "Oh my fucking god... that moustache is disgusting." As most people would feel, I was significantly less excited for this party.
But after some time, I got to thinking... "This girl kind of seems slutty. I could easily get with her, considering she probably has very few friends and no one likes her." So at the party, I was acquainted with Mario the Moustached Woman. And as a expected, she was obviously interested in me (which is no surprise since I'm practically made up of manliness and penis). The next day, we started texting each other and it eventually led to us hanging out pretty much everyday.
I had the whole week off from school, so I had a lot of free time to chill with Mario as we played Mario Kart on the Wii. But let me tell you, it was painful. Unless you're a girl, I don't think you realise what it's like to kiss someone with a moustache. It's very uncomfortable. To top it off, she probably never brushed her teeth, and she gave me major blue balls. Yeah we never really went at it or anything. As much as I hated kissing her or even looking at the space between her mouth and her nose, I had a feeling deep down that I could get some good action from this chick. It never happened.
What did happen, was she became extremely clingy. As I'm still sleeping, she would be texting me. I would wake up at noon-ish to find about 5 texts from her.
"Hey <3"
"Hey"
"Are you awake?"
":("
"Text meee"
SHUT UP, GOD DAMNIT
I quickly realised that this needed to end. I couldn't finish reading my stupid book for English class because she was texting me every fifteen fucking minutes. In fact, the book I was reading was called "The Stranger." It's about some guy who is existentialist. That basically means he has no remorse for anything and doesn't care about what happens in the world around him. I somehow began thinking like him, and didn't care about what happened to Mario. So I broke up with her over web cam. It was hilarious. I'll admit I felt bad watching her cry, but I couldn't help but laugh at the situation: I broke up with Mario because of this book I was reading. As we're on web cam, I'm hiding my face because I'm on the verge of laughing out loud.
And that pretty much sums up that relationship. I knew the girl for literally one week, and I already broke up with her... all before school started up again.
"Hey dude, how was your week off?"
"HAHAHAHA OH MY GOD I HAVE SOME FUNNY STORIES!"
dicks lol
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