21 - Dick Trumpet

For those of you who care or noticed, I'm sorry it's been so long since I made a post. I literally had nothing interesting to say.

Time for more party stories!

Tanner and I brought our friend Erik to Calgary to party with our Cochrane friends on Saturday. We had no trouble finding the house, but I was worried that it was the wrong house when a girl that I didn't know answered the door.

"Uhh... is Garrett here?"
"Taylor's friend?"
"Y-yeah."
"They're downstairs."

It wasn't long 'till everyone had shown up and we were playing a drinking game called "horse race" or something like that. The game basically involves the four ace cards racing each other by moving forward for every card drawn that matches its suit. I had the pleasure of naming one of the cards "Dick Trumpet." And for the record, Dick Trumpet won both games!

Sadly, I don't remember much from that night, except going into the washroom and puking all over the place. I threw up over the side of the toilet and onto the floor a bit. I vaguely remember using the toilet paper to clean up the mess. I don't remember if I cleaned it all though. I do remember accidentally putting my knee in it, which was pretty gross. As I left the washroom, I noticed that I got quite a bit of vomit on my shirt. I ran to where everyone else was, and briefly announced what I did. From then on, I don't remember shit.

I woke up at 9:30 on a couch with my shirt off, and my glasses missing. After putting on my shirt, I noticed that the puke on the front of it looked a bit like dirt. I walked around the house, searching the washrooms and tables for my glasses, but couldn't find them. I was a bit worried, but I went back to the couch to sleep. I found the glasses right beside the couch. I must have puked on my glasses too, because they were extremely dirty and smudgy.

Nothing else really happened, except I remember having coffee with the girl who answered the door from earlier, and I recall telling her the stories of my missing poo and the Dominican. Jared had slept in his car while smoking that night, and Corey was sleeping under the table for at least an hour while we were drinking. And I went home with puke on my glasses, shirt, and knees. Good times.

20 - My Big Gay Birthday Adventure

I turned 18 on the 11th! I'm only writing about it now because I've been in a post-drunk haze for awhile and completely forgot to blog about it. Prepare for a long post.

I had originally planned to go to a pub called Dick's to celebrate, but because of Canadian Thanksgiving, my plans got butt-fucked. The thing is, since it was the day before my actual birthday, I planned to go to the bar at midnight so that I would technically be 18. I didn't want to do it on the night of my birthday, because the long weekend would have been over by then, and I didn't want to exclude people who had jobs or school to go to.

So on Sunday (the 10th), I had my mind set on going to Dicks... until someone reminded me that it was Thanksgiving weekend. I called the pub, and found out they closed at 6:00pm because of this. Well, shit. So I casually asked my mom if I could throw a party at the house, and she seemed okay with it. So that problem was easily solved.

I just kind of sat on the couch watching T.V. with a few of my friends until the other half of the people showed up. These people were from Cochrane, who I originally met in the Dominican Republic back in July. I nearly ripped my pants from the erection I got from how excited I was that they showed up. We basically just loaded up on alcohol and played sociables for awhile. A couple of my friends had left by the time the rest of us decided it would be a good idea to walk over to McDonald's for some food.

The nearest McDonald's was only about a 10 minute walk away. As we walked by my old middle school, we found a group of kids hanging around. After chatting it up with the youngsters, we continued our journey for greasy edibles. We walked about 30 seconds before finding another pack of kids lurking around at night.

There were two girls and some guy, who quickly left to go home, leaving the girls at our disposal (That sounds a bit perverse, but really.. there were like seven drunk guys. What do you expect?). Likewise, we started talking to them. It wasn't so much all of us talking to them, but more the guys from Cochrane. So these two girls that we just met decided to tag along as we went to McDonald's. What would normally be a 10 minute walk, turned into... probably 20 minutes.

Since we obviously didn't drive there, we had a genius fucking idea to create our own "Invisible Van". So we stood behind one of the cars lined up in the drive-thru, and arranged ourselves into a similar seating arrangement to that of a van. Without a doubt, we fooled everybody.

A couple cars pulled up behind us, but we generously let them by, since the lady at the window refused to serve us, because we had a transparent method of transportation and she just couldn't fathom the possibility. While "parked" behind another car, my friend Jared started running around the other cars in line, dancing. He would repeatedly throw his hand in the air, pointing in every direction, and say "Yeaahh!" casually. I think this went on until the cops showed up. The police cruiser pulled up behind us and started flashing its lights.

"Oh shit. Guys. Don't move. We're in an invisible van. Stay where you are."

"You, in the grey hoodie!" The cop called out.

Jared was put in the back of the cop car. I think we agreed that the invisible van idea wasn't working, so we quickly dispersed and started to walk away as the cop was talking to Jared. As we went around the corner, 2 more cops cars were just pulling in. I was pretty fucking scared, until I remembered I was 18 and wasn't doing anything illegal... I think. But I was worried that Jared would be arrested... He lived in a completely different city too, so I knew it wouldn't end too well. It wasn't long 'till he was let out, and he explained what happened.

There was a taxi in the drive-thru as Jared was dancing, and the driver had called the cops saying that he was jumping on his car and swearing. Stupid shit like that. The Chief of Police, or whoever the fuck it was, thought "THIS IS A JOB FOR THREE POLICE CARS!" and sent them to arrest Jared. But as Jared was being put in the back of the car, he still had an opened beer in his pocket. It spilled all over the side of his pants. He could hear the cop confirming with the taxi driver on Jared's identity. This is where Jared heard him describe what he claimed Jared was doing, which was completely false.

Jared 2.0

So in short, we walked in the rain for 20 minutes for nothing. And we had to walk back to my house, to top it off. I remember going to bed pretty quick once we got home. I woke up just before noon, and most of the guys were awake watching "The Hangover". Kind of convenient, now that I think about it. My mom prepared a huge feast filled with pizza and other munchies while we watched the movie. Once we were all awake, we just sat down and played with Lego for about 2 hours.

18 - Concerts

I love music, so it would only make sense that I love concerts too! Sadly, concerts have their disadvantages.


My first concert was a few years ago: John Mayer. Yeah... My mom had an extra ticket, and I was in the musical phase of forcing myself to enjoy what was on the radio. Being my first concert, I didn't question why everyone was sitting down in chairs. Like literally, there were chairs everywhere. Nobody could really stand up without blocking the view of the person behind them. There really isn't much else to say about that, other than it sucked.
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I think my second concert was Les Claypool last summer. If you don't know, Les is the bassist of the band Primus. And if you don't know who Primus is, I just suggest searching them up. They're worth listening to. Nothing extraordinary happened at Claypool, but it was a good show nonetheless.
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Next was Dream Theater, just a few months after Les Claypool. My neighbour invited my friend and I to go, since his friends had a change of plans. I had honestly never listened to Dream Theater before, but I bought one of their albums the day after the concert because they were so good.
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Next up, in October, were Slipknot and the Deftones. I only came to see the Deftones, to be honest. It sucked too, cause I had actual seats, rather than on the floor in front of the stage... so my view of them wasn't the best. Either way, I kinda lost interest when Slipknot came on.

My friend caught a broken drum stick from the Deftone's drummer Abe Cunningham, and gave it to me. I jizzed.
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Then in June my friend and I went to see Dream Theater and Iron Maiden! It was nice to see DT again, especially because they played all their famous songs. Plus, I had a good view several feet from the stage. While Iron Maiden was getting set up, some moron from way behind me threw back one of Mike Portnoy's drum sticks and hit me in the head. Some fat juggalo chick beside me took the stick, which probably had my blood on it... or at least a huge dent.

I kind of regret standing so close to the stage, because this was the first mosh pit I've been to. Standing next to all these weird fuckers was bad enough, but now I was being pushed around by them. Needless to say, I couldn't really cheer at Iron Maiden, because I was getting butt-raped by every Metalhead in the province.
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I would've went to see Tool in July, but I was in the Dominican Republic getting drunk/laid/diarrhea.
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And my most recent concert was Primus, just last Tuesday. There was quite a bit of pushing in the crowd, but nothing to compare with Iron Maiden. While I was in line to buy a t-shirt, I noticed a greasy looking guy sitting off to the side of the table. He looked extremely fucking depressed. He looked like he was helping with the t-shirt sales, except he wasn't helping at all. Just sitting there looking all sad and angry. I joked with my friend, "He's probably mad because no one's buying shirts for his band."




Depressed greasy guy. Kinda looked like this.


The first opening band for Primus came on. They were some Kansas redneck band that basically played Speed Metal with banjos. The bass player had a gas can with a long stick attached to it, and a rubber band stretched across to form a single string. My friend and I laughed and shat bricks. Guess who was playing the bass?...




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